At the Cottage on Sharbot Lake, Partway Through a Bad Year

Amanda Merpaw

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While attempting to unwind at a cottage, a speaker considers both existentialism and Woolf. Have we been stagnant or have we been in flux since Woolf? What can one individual’s perception really offer? Amanda Merpaw’s “At the cottage on Sharbot Lake, Partway Through a Bad Year” attempts to answer these questions through haunting prose.

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Yolk began as an electric conversation around a picnic table in Saint Henri Square.

Our scruffy pioneer and present prose editor had previously approached each of us with an idea, a vision: We would establish our own literary magazine in Montreal. And so it was, or so it would be. After that original encounter, eight individuals devoted to the word resolved that they would gather bi-weekly, on Sundays, and bring something new into this busy, manic world—something that might slow its spin down somewhat and cause its patronage to say: “You know what, it ain’t so bad, is it, Susan?”

We are undergraduate, graduate, and graduated students of writing. Some of us learn our craft formally from accomplished authors in seminar courses, and some of us learn by looking out the window of the world and onto the streets that sing below. Some of us learn from screaming squirrels, old curtains, departed grandfathers, and bowel movements. We learn from old lovers, long winters, imperfect mothers, and from the deep internet where a musical genius remains entombed.

Yolk is cold floors on Sabbath mornings, home-brewed ginger beer in the endless afternoon, and downpours of French-pressed coffee in assorted artisanal mugs. Our first official gathering was scheduled for a duration of two hours; most of us remained for six, departing only to attend to the summons of our own beckoning realities. Together, with time suspended, we talked endlessly of contributing something to disrupt Montreal’s literary ecosystem. Something unparalleled, something true.

But what? There was nothing to discuss. There was everything to discuss.

We volunteer our time, hounding some elusive beast composed of combustible words and works. We are hopeful, truly hopeful, that we can give something new, a new way, a new light, and that if we cannot, we might at least uphold the traditions of our predecessors, cast star-wide nets to capture their echoes. We are a thousand decisions. We are a sanctuary for the orphaned word, the solitary writer, the cereal-eating artist who yearns for company, for the comfort of a like mind; we sit together with them at foggy dawn, it rains a baptism, with our arms and hands intertwined, we form an umbrella—underneath, they scribble madly, the perfect picture.

Yolk in no way presumes to be superior to its contemporaries, but its contemporaries should not presume yolk to be anything other than loud—quite, quite loud. We are yippidy jazzed to address the oh-so-technicolorful magnificence of the human experience, but we are prepared also to address the ugliness, to stare at its wet, hairy snout and into its square depth and to roar in return at the things that yearn to devour our skin, beset our ethos, and dig graves in our own backyards.

There’s so much to say, there’s so much we don’t know, but together, with you, we can placate that ignorance, render it peaceful, tolerable, and perhaps even, fucking beautiful.

And Susan says, “Amen.”

I said I would make the eggs myself. It was early morning. The soft mesh of the wind discreet and mannered through the open windows, the cracked patio door. I couldn’t understand how the year had bustled on, extravagant, making a scene on the lawn. In her diary, Woolf wrote, my depression is a harassed feeling. Would she die before her restlessness discovered something interesting? The lake beyond the dock gave a solemn wave. The ducks tolerable and drawn out near the rocky shore. I was thinking about toast for the eggs, jam for the toast. I was thinking about the saturating whir, the ridiculous pleasure of swimming. I was thinking that it would be inevitable to cease completely; the nonsense would go on without me. The capacious ebb and flow of things. I was thinking that old treadmill feeling, of going on and on for no reason. Woolf said, I live in intensity. She followed that furrow, not another, haunted by contradictions. The moment goes on forever, to the bottom. The moment is diaphanous, passing. Now is life very solid or very shifting? Quick, so quick, like a mist, I slipped onto the deck, spread myself on the chair I knew best. I said I would much rather be one of those people who behaves sensitively under the light. I would rather be the light itself, stretching beyond. I would rather be anonymous. Forget one’s own sharp absurd little personality. Create myself fresh each time. Utterly obliterated and ecstatic. I was focusing too well. I was full of meals, coffee. I was full of the superior dawn. What did Woolf know when she wrote, one ought to sink to the bottom of the sea, probably, and live alone with one’s words? Probably she knew her little strip of experience vigorously. Probably she was screwed tight into a ball. Probably I stirred and sweat into linen, into wicker, into the fade-resistant cushion. I was tired already, softened and forgetting. The most important thing is not to think very much about oneself. I fancied myself everywhere, here and there, seen and unseen, dissolved and renewing; the day, the water; irrevocable; all flux. 

Amanda Merpaw is the author of Most of All the Wanting and Put the Ghosts Down Between Us. She has been a finalist for the Montreal Fiction Prize, The Fiddlehead Fiction Contest, and the Poem of the Year contest. Amanda’s writing has appeared in The Capilano Review, CV2, Grain, and elsewhere. She is currently Associate Poetry Editor at Plenitude Magazine.

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Additional reading

The Cat Sitter

Yolk acknowledges that our work in Tiohtià:ke/Montréal takes place on the unceded Indigenous lands of the Kanien’kehá:ka/Mohawk Nation. Tiohtià:ke is known as a gathering place for many First Nations, and we recognize the Kanien’kehá:ka as custodians of the lands on which we gather.

Yolk warmly acknowledges the financial support of the Canada Council for the Arts,  Conseil des arts de Montréal, and the English Language Arts Network’s Trellis Micro-grant project, funded by The Department of Canadian Heritage’s Official Languages Support Programs.