Amanda Merpaw

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While attempting to unwind at a cottage, a speaker considers both existentialism and Woolf. Have we been stagnant or have we been in flux since Woolf? What can one individual’s perception really offer? Amanda Merpaw’s “At the cottage on Sharbot Lake, Partway Through a Bad Year” attempts to answer these questions through haunting prose.
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I said I would make the eggs myself. It was early morning. The soft mesh of the wind discreet and mannered through the open windows, the cracked patio door. I couldn’t understand how the year had bustled on, extravagant, making a scene on the lawn. In her diary, Woolf wrote, my depression is a harassed feeling. Would she die before her restlessness discovered something interesting? The lake beyond the dock gave a solemn wave. The ducks tolerable and drawn out near the rocky shore. I was thinking about toast for the eggs, jam for the toast. I was thinking about the saturating whir, the ridiculous pleasure of swimming. I was thinking that it would be inevitable to cease completely; the nonsense would go on without me. The capacious ebb and flow of things. I was thinking that old treadmill feeling, of going on and on for no reason. Woolf said, I live in intensity. She followed that furrow, not another, haunted by contradictions. The moment goes on forever, to the bottom. The moment is diaphanous, passing. Now is life very solid or very shifting? Quick, so quick, like a mist, I slipped onto the deck, spread myself on the chair I knew best. I said I would much rather be one of those people who behaves sensitively under the light. I would rather be the light itself, stretching beyond. I would rather be anonymous. Forget one’s own sharp absurd little personality. Create myself fresh each time. Utterly obliterated and ecstatic. I was focusing too well. I was full of meals, coffee. I was full of the superior dawn. What did Woolf know when she wrote, one ought to sink to the bottom of the sea, probably, and live alone with one’s words? Probably she knew her little strip of experience vigorously. Probably she was screwed tight into a ball. Probably I stirred and sweat into linen, into wicker, into the fade-resistant cushion. I was tired already, softened and forgetting. The most important thing is not to think very much about oneself. I fancied myself everywhere, here and there, seen and unseen, dissolved and renewing; the day, the water; irrevocable; all flux.
Amanda Merpaw is the author of Most of All the Wanting and Put the Ghosts Down Between Us. She has been a finalist for the Montreal Fiction Prize, The Fiddlehead Fiction Contest, and the Poem of the Year contest. Amanda’s writing has appeared in The Capilano Review, CV2, Grain, and elsewhere. She is currently Associate Poetry Editor at Plenitude Magazine.
Yolk acknowledges that our work in Tiohtià:ke/Montréal takes place on the unceded Indigenous lands of the Kanien’kehá:ka/Mohawk Nation. Tiohtià:ke is known as a gathering place for many First Nations, and we recognize the Kanien’kehá:ka as custodians of the lands on which we gather.
Yolk warmly acknowledges the financial support of the Canada Council for the Arts, Conseil des arts de Montréal, and the English Language Arts Network’s Trellis Micro-grant project, funded by The Department of Canadian Heritage’s Official Languages Support Programs.